I’ve never
been comfortable in my own skin. As a child, I was stuck hiding behind glasses,
relying on Barbie for moral support, and using humor as a crutch in difficult
situations. As a 33 year old, not much
has changed. I was lucky enough to get Lasik surgery so the glasses
disappeared, but I’m the same awkward person now that I was as an
adolescent.
When we grow
up, much of our self-worth is calculated by others around us. We lean on our
parents to give us guidance and keep us informed of how much we are loved. Our
siblings are our first friends. They teach us how to unconditionally love, even
if they stole our toys or got away with so much more because they were older.
They were always there. As we grow up, our friends get added to that support
system. It’s their job to constructively criticize us, from our actions, to
relationship opinions, to advise that we really shouldn’t substitute Payless
shoes for the real thing, but will love us anyways, even if we do.
Without family
and friends around, it’s hard to garner self-love. Having self-esteem isn’t
innate. You’re not born with it. The circumstances around you determine how
confident you are as a person.
Every action
is a direct result of every other action that preceded it. If you don’t know where you’re coming from,
how do you really know where you are going? It’s important to look back on all
of the experiences that have shaped us. I don’t know why I have low self-esteem.
I know I put up with a lot, and sometimes question my self-worth because of how
I am treated. I apologize for things
that are not my fault. And I value myself
based on the opinions of others. This
isn’t healthy. But every day is a battle and I am a warrior. I look back at the
wars I have fought internally and externally. I’m not always proud of the
outcome but I think having a critical rearview eye helps.
These days I’m
trying to find my footing and surround myself with people who want the best for
me. It’s not always easy. Standing my ground hasn’t always been my strong point,
but I find it’s getting easier with age. I have less time for situations
where I am not appreciated, cherished or, at the very least, simply respected.
