Friday, December 6, 2013


I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin. As a child, I was stuck hiding behind glasses, relying on Barbie for moral support, and using humor as a crutch in difficult situations.  As a 33 year old, not much has changed. I was lucky enough to get Lasik surgery so the glasses disappeared, but I’m the same awkward person now that I was as an adolescent.  

When we grow up, much of our self-worth is calculated by others around us. We lean on our parents to give us guidance and keep us informed of how much we are loved. Our siblings are our first friends. They teach us how to unconditionally love, even if they stole our toys or got away with so much more because they were older. They were always there. As we grow up, our friends get added to that support system. It’s their job to constructively criticize us, from our actions, to relationship opinions, to advise that we really shouldn’t substitute Payless shoes for the real thing, but will love us anyways, even if we do. 

Without family and friends around, it’s hard to garner self-love. Having self-esteem isn’t innate. You’re not born with it. The circumstances around you determine how confident you are as a person. 

Every action is a direct result of every other action that preceded it.  If you don’t know where you’re coming from, how do you really know where you are going? It’s important to look back on all of the experiences that have shaped us. I don’t know why I have low self-esteem. I know I put up with a lot, and sometimes question my self-worth because of how I am treated.  I apologize for things that are not my fault.  And I value myself based on the opinions of others.  This isn’t healthy. But every day is a battle and I am a warrior. I look back at the wars I have fought internally and externally. I’m not always proud of the outcome but I think having a critical rearview eye helps.  

These days I’m trying to find my footing and surround myself with people who want the best for me. It’s not always easy. Standing my ground hasn’t always been my strong point, but I find it’s getting easier with age.  I have less time for situations where I am not appreciated, cherished or, at the very least, simply respected.

At the end of the day, I’m just trying to love myself the best I can. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Spirit of Thanksgiving

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I figured there was no better way to kick off my blog than a post highlighting all that I am thankful for. Here goes! 

I am thankful for my nephews Brandon, Zac, and niece Allison. Sadly, this was the only photo I could think of with all of us together, and it was so long ago.  I love their youth, how everything they do is fun and new. Their presence is a light in our family's world.  I love these kids. 

I give thanks to my house. I love my house. The dark wood, the spacious kitchen, the fact that there's room for everything. I am loving decorating my office, which I am sure will be a future blog post.   Our home is situated in lovely Aliso Viejo, but so close to the canyon. I used to drive that canyon when I was in my teens, and I would marvel at it's beauty. It used to be my favorite drive in Orange County. It still is, and I get to drive it on a daily basis.  I also love that my house is a bit removed from the "downtown" area of Aliso Viejo. It's such a beautiful area, with so many trees. I like that I can coast along it's many streets with few stoplights. I do not miss the consistent stoplights on PCH where I used to live! 

I am grateful to have a supportive brother and mother. They understand me in ways no one else can. They accept me fully, in spite of my neuroses. I guess they have no choice! I'm so glad we all live so close to each other. 

Finally, I give thanks to my husband, my best friend, my confidant, my rock - Doug aka Poop Face.  I thank him for allowing me to be crazy, for letting me yell at him when Dream Doug does unacceptable things (and I hold it against non-Dream Doug). I love that you make me laugh, you tickle me, you hold my hand. I love that I fake demanded you to go buy me something for my office, and you did it, even though I wasn't serious.  I love that you supported me when I decided to find a job for which I could be passionate. I'm so glad we are exploring this world together.   I can't wait for what lies ahead for us -- Ziggy, children, travels, and whatever else comes our way! 

I have a lot more that I am thankful for. I guess that will be blog #2!